I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
scenes of unspeakable carnage
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Discuss
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Help Wanted
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.