[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
You Might Also Like
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
😩😩😩
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?