The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?