My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…