It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.