you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?