A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
You Might Also Like
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.