Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
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why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”