me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
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Can’t stop laughing
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
He’s dead
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
lmfao
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G