Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
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Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
taking June’s advice to heart
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot