Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂