I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Good morning!
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester