A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
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Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.