I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Pretty much. 🤣
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t