I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.