[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.