Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I miss this era type of pranks😭
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine