The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
the composer
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂