[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.