when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*