I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
my dad has had enough
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.