i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
You Might Also Like
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.