I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
You Might Also Like
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.