As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.