Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.