Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
This is a bad sign
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?