[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
You Might Also Like
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”