Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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What do you hear?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Dietest Coke