Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.