Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
You Might Also Like
Not now. I’m deglazing.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned