remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Bros before Ohioes
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]