Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
You Might Also Like
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
(Jupiter –
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?