only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
<- sleeps well with others
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch