I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
You Might Also Like
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Sorry, I didn鈥檛 mean to lol your poetry
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
This was a bad idea all around
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you鈥檙e walking.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 馃槈
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love 鉂わ笍馃憤
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people鈥檚 eyes.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don鈥檛 want to be a pie.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard庐.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
馃幎Where did you come from?
Where did you go?馃幎Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I鈥檓 adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.