It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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me doing my best
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.