eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!