Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Money is the root of all wealth
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.