yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
There’s always that one guy
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.