Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder