YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
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I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Breakfast for Stoners:
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Sooo many times…..
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.