GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.