I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’