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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Does beer think about me too?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.