[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
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No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
kids play hide and seek like