What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
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me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.