#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Always a metermaid never a meter
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once