Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
#CoronaOutbreak
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.