I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
🖤✌🏽
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
*cough*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances