The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
You sure about that?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.