I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.